100% Sobriety

I am going 100% sober.  Or rather, I am 100% sober.  Its been 1 month and 12 days since my last drink and 4 days without weed.

I have gone back and forth between the two for so long.  Not drinking?  Smoke way more.  Not smoking? Drink way more.

I am just so tired of it all.  After 6 weeks of sobriety, I know my next move is to cut out the weed.  I have been smoking since I was 13.  This habit is ingrained and a part of me way more than alcohol ever was.  But it is a crutch and I know I use it to deal with my emotions and to escape.

If I want to change my life I need to see it from a different perspective.  I dont know what its like to be weed free.  I need to know what the other side is like.  I really want to go forever, I want the word sober to be mine.  But I feel guilt using the word sober when I am smoking weed.  So I am going to say 100 days no weed.  No. matter. what.

Then I can re evaluate.  But I highly doubt I will go back once I get this monkey off my back.  Time for me to really grow some emotional intelligence.  I know this is my purpose.  To be sober.  Its my cause. And the longer I smoke….. the more I am putting off me finding my purpose and acting on it.

I have been really angry and blew up at hubby today over work.  I went to the lake this weekend for my grandmas 85th birthday and I didnt smoke or drink when absolutely everyone around me was.  I was super tempted Sat night after my grandmas birthday because when I get through something without drinking, smoking after has been my reward.  But I got through it!

I was mad at hubby this weekend as he casually drank in front of me.  Which isnt a problem and I dont want to tell him what t do, but its just hard.  The worst was on the way home, him and my brother hot boxed the car when I was in it.  Not cool.

I let him know when we got home alot would be changing.  If need be, I will leave him in the dust.  I am going places and anyone that aint with it can fuck off.  But I also feel absolutely horrible because he didnt even smoke weed and I got him hooked on it.  So then when I quit, I expect him to just drop it too.  Not really fair…

Sorry rant needed. LOL

Atleast I have been talking to him about my problems and not blowing up (except I did today) and he said he totally understood and feels like an idiot and is so sorry.

I am setting boundaries friends.

3 thoughts on “100% Sobriety

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