I am going 100% sober. Or rather, I am 100% sober. Its been 1 month and 12 days since my last drink and 4 days without weed.
I have gone back and forth between the two for so long. Not drinking? Smoke way more. Not smoking? Drink way more.
I am just so tired of it all. After 6 weeks of sobriety, I know my next move is to cut out the weed. I have been smoking since I was 13. This habit is ingrained and a part of me way more than alcohol ever was. But it is a crutch and I know I use it to deal with my emotions and to escape.
If I want to change my life I need to see it from a different perspective. I dont know what its like to be weed free. I need to know what the other side is like. I really want to go forever, I want the word sober to be mine. But I feel guilt using the word sober when I am smoking weed. So I am going to say 100 days no weed. No. matter. what.
Then I can re evaluate. But I highly doubt I will go back once I get this monkey off my back. Time for me to really grow some emotional intelligence. I know this is my purpose. To be sober. Its my cause. And the longer I smoke….. the more I am putting off me finding my purpose and acting on it.
I have been really angry and blew up at hubby today over work. I went to the lake this weekend for my grandmas 85th birthday and I didnt smoke or drink when absolutely everyone around me was. I was super tempted Sat night after my grandmas birthday because when I get through something without drinking, smoking after has been my reward. But I got through it!
I was mad at hubby this weekend as he casually drank in front of me. Which isnt a problem and I dont want to tell him what t do, but its just hard. The worst was on the way home, him and my brother hot boxed the car when I was in it. Not cool.
I let him know when we got home alot would be changing. If need be, I will leave him in the dust. I am going places and anyone that aint with it can fuck off. But I also feel absolutely horrible because he didnt even smoke weed and I got him hooked on it. So then when I quit, I expect him to just drop it too. Not really fair…
Sorry rant needed. LOL
Atleast I have been talking to him about my problems and not blowing up (except I did today) and he said he totally understood and feels like an idiot and is so sorry.
I am setting boundaries friends.