Today after work I am going to visit a friend. I have told this friend countless times that I am done with drinking, and then fallen off, and then pretended that I was fine with the fact and that I was drinking normally.
So then she will ask me to have wine in the backyard, or wine when we are getting pedicures etc., which is all fine because how she is supposed to know when I am off again and on again.
Today I know the topic will probably come up, and I do want to tell her that I am done again for real this time. I want to tell her I am working a program. I want to say that I will be MIA for a while, while I work on myself. I want to tell her that I wont be going anywhere where I feel triggered or if people are drinking. I want to tell her I wont be coming to her sisters birthday party this weekend.
But for some reason I just dont want to. I am tired of telling people all this stuff, and then falling off. I know this time I have to put my sobriety first, which means not going to her sisters birthday this weekend. But it gives me anxiety, what will they think about me. Especially since I know no one believes me, I have said it a million times and then started drinking again. My husband has this look in his eye like he doesn’t believe me either anymore. He said to me I hope you quit before something bad happens… and he was really sad and helpless looking. Ive broken his trust by doing stupid stuff drunk too. So now I have to re gain his trust. I will do it. I just have to do the right thing and be patient. Time heals.
Well, you know what. At least I am trying again. Thats more than I can say for some people. And I dont care if I look like an idiot, or like oh poor her she can go to any of these things. I actually get anxiety at having to go to these things, I am not a small talk type of person, which is why I generally drink heavily.
I know this is all going to come out today because she will offer me a drink. And when I decline she will ask me if im not drinking… because she knows I wouldn’t turn down a drink if I wasn’t “on the wagon” again….
I bet none of these things will even be a big deal. And I will wonder why I spent all day stressing about telling her these things. I have such an issue with people pleasing.
I am so bad at setting boundaries. Here is my first attempt.