Back at day 1

Well technically day 2.  I am noticing this trend happening.  I can go weeks, months even (my last attempt) and then one day an overwhelming craving will come, and I will picture every single event that I cannot possibly go to without alcohol.  Then, I picture myself this sophisticated adult.  Being a social drinker, having a couple, stopping when I am a tiny bit buzzed and going home and being a responsible adult.  Because, I mean, I am married now.

But the reality is that never, ever happens.  I spend so much time bettering myself, working on yoga and mediation, reading tons of books, eating healthy, using products that dont contain chemicals.  I am feeling happy, not anxious, not depressed. Then, I drink alcohol and the whole process happens again.  I feel depressed, anxious, eat like shit, smoke too much weed to cope with my anxiety and start the process all over again.  Until the next time I feel good, and a craving comes.  Except I need to remember, that even if i drink again this once, I am going to want to quit immediately after again, thus the vicious cycle.   I was doing so well until my wedding.  I even survived my bridal shower and bachelorette party sober.  On the way to Mexico, me and my future hubs were sitting in plus seating, meaning free booze, and everyone was already pre partying and having  a great time.  I knew I was screwed.  That was not the correct position to be putting myself in for my sobriety, alas, one that I could not have missed.  I am trying not to beat myself up, but I will never give up.  I will get it.

I am a people pleaser to the core.  But I have recently been realizing that I cant just live the same life that I did before and expect to be successful at being sober.  I cant go out and just not drink if I am feeling weak that night, I have to start saying no to people, places and things where it might tempt me to drink.  I really, truly have to put my sobriety on the top of my priority list.  Its still so small, so fragile, I have to protect it at all costs.

 

2 thoughts on “Back at day 1

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