This past weekend was an interesting one. Not in terms of anything outwardly happening, but mostly in terms of what was happening within my mind.
My fiance went to Edmonton for his Bachelor party with his best buddies. I, of course, wanted him to go and have his bachelor party. He deserves it. He is a good person. I want him to have all of these memories to look back on.
The only thing, is that I am newly sober (45 days). So I would say that I am far from ‘steady’ in my sobriety at this point. I have gone through a couple of testing experiences, but I know that it is still early days.
I did not foresee this weekend being a big trigger to me. It wasn’t actually until the day he was leaving that I started to get resentful. My inner thoughts echoing and validating that I indeed was getting the short end of the stick here. How come he got to have a wild bachelor party with drinking and limos and strippers, and I did not get to drink at all at mine. Then, I started to think about how selfish this was of him, to leave me home all alone. Really the only person who knows what I am going through, has abandoned me and cant still go out and drink normally. How come I am the one making all of these changes, and yet your life goes on unscathed. Blah, blah, blah poor me…..
I have the most understanding man in the world. I know that God brought him to me, to be my soul mate through this journey together. I explained to him how I was feeling and of course he put himself in my shoes and realized how it was a big trigger for me, and that it wasnt really fair. I also realized this was his bachelor party, once in a lifetime thing, and I didnt want to ruin it for him. We talked about it, and we actually had a really good convo. He has been noticing more and more how social pressure is a very real thing. He isnt a big drinker at all, but even he feels pressure. I talk about stuff to him all of the time about alcohol and I think I might be subliminally changing his mind about how he views alcohol too. I have my anti alcohol glasses on lol. I watch for brainwashing in every situation. Every commercial, tv show and even just friends and family, they are all walking advertisements. We talk alot about this stuff, and he is someone I can really share my inner thoughts with, we have so much in common. He doesnt have a drinking problem, he doesnt have to change, but he wants to. He even told me now that I am working so hard on myself, it makes him feel bad and he wants to step up. I dont want to force anything on him but he is the most supportive person I know.
This went on for a whole day before I gave myself a good talking too. This was a very valuable and important lesson for me to have learned. I noticed the warning signs. Resentment, comparison and feeling like I was missing out. I used some of the tools I have to keep me sober. I quickly adopted back into my previous mindset that I am in fact, not missing out. This is a gift, a choice and something I am damn happy to be doing. I also reminded myself that at the end of the day, this is about ME. I am not doing this for him, for my family or for my friends. I am doing this for me. Selfish I know, but I have to be in this regard. So no matter what he does, what choices he makes, I still have have to honor my own path, my own choices.
Does anybody else do this? Compare? Its hard, but we shouldn’t. One of my greatest realizations is that we have all been assigned a different journey. We all have a different purpose to fulfill during our time on this beautiful earth. If we waste so much time trying to control and worry about what others are doing, we will miss the opportunity to really shine our own lights.
I challenge you (and me!) to allow others to do what makes them happy and pleases them, and for you to do the same. Allow others to come to their own realizations, to make their own mistakes. You just follow your intuition, and remember you are 1 in a trillion. You are here for a reason. It wasnt random, go fulfill your mission.