Another Monday morning at the office. Another Monday that I am not super hung over, hating myself, full of anxiety and making all these promises to myself that I would have broken when I started feeling better come Thursday. Then come the weekend, I was off again, such a vicious cycle.
This time I am following through on my vow “I am never drinking again.” This blog is one of my most important recovery tools. It keeps me accountable, helps me to get my feelings out, and I always feel better after I press publish. Its like I got it out of my head.
I am feeling really good, and proud of myself. I know that it isn’t going to be an easy ride, and I know that there are going to be temptations and cravings, but I am prepared for it. I am going to bring all my sober stuff to Mexico, and my sobriety has to be #1. Without my sobriety I have nothing. Its the basis for all that is healthy and good in my life. I think I am starting to learn that I need to protect myself and take care of myself first before anyone else. You cant pour from an empty cup.
When I am in Mexico, if I feel like I am in bad territory or I am just plain feeling miserable with being out and socializing I will excuse myself. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to stay up all night drinking and partying. After all, it is my wedding, I am there to get married, not get fucked up. I will enjoy my days much more, waking up early, working out, eating a big breakfast because I dont feel like death and reading and playing on the beach and water all day. I am really excited about trying something different on this trip, I have tried drinking on every trip, and on every trip I get sick. I bet I wont get sick on this trip.
I keep having drinking dreams. Thats my second one, where I get absolutely trashed in my dream and wake up in horror. I am SOOO relieved when I realize its a dream. Scary stuff! Maybe its my subconscious shifting and changing, who knows. I’ve always been really interested in the meaning behind dreams.
I had another awesome weekend with my boys. G got the rest of his groomsmen suits finished, we went to the dog park twice, did meditations and stretching, watched some good TV shows, ate good food (we ate WAY to many cookies) and basically just enjoyed our time together. We did try to go to the Remai Art Gallery on Sat night as I was a bit stir crazy, but it was closed. After that we talked about how there is literally nothing in this city to do, which is why basically everyone just goes out and drinks and eats on the weekend. We couldn’t think of 1 other thing to do, that didn’t include going to a movie. I need to move out of this city where I can hike and go to the beach and live outdoors. One day.
Another positive is that I was feeling a bit moody and unsettled on Saturday night, and instead of drinking, which I would have done in the past I went to the gym and did 40 mins of cardio and sat in the sauna. I am trying to reprogram my brain to healthier habits. Its difficult at first because its hard to go against what your brain naturally wants, but if I do it long enough it will create a new pathway 🙂
Hope everyone had a stellar weekend!