Its Saturday morning. Fire is on. I am drinking coffee and relaxing with my boys.
I awoke at 6am this morning in a panic trying to remember what I did and what I said. Then I remembered that I didn’t drink last night. Thank God!
It must be muscle memory, my body is so used to the cycle of waking up with severe panic and anxiety. My body must be breathing a sigh of relief right now. It can finally stop trying to clear out the toxins and work on repairing itself.
I had my car window smashed at work on Thursday at 10am! It happens a lot in our back parking lot as it is in a rougher area of town, but it still just makes me so mad. They are always in our lot checking our door handles, and stealing stuff but this time I accidently left my purse sitting on the floor (I had my wallet with me) and they saw it, assumed it was full of cash (or were hoping) so they smashed it. Lesson learned on my behalf! It was inconvenient, but those generally aren’t situations I would drink in.
Last night I went shopping with my mom, and bought some outfits for Mexico, as well as my outfit for my bridal shower! It is exactly one week away! And then G and I put on our salt lamp, humidifier and we got on our mats to do some breathing, stretching, meditating, it was wonderful. I am going to try to do more of that on the weekend evenings instead of just first thing in the mornings. It is such a nice relaxing way to get ready for bed.
I would have probably drank when I went shopping with my mom though. For some reason, I always thought shopping was more fun when I had a buzz on. But who am I kidding. I thought everything was more fun if I had a buzz on.
Its not like I would act on the thoughts, but I just have constant thoughts about drinking situations. I go between being so happy to be sober and thinking of all the benefits to thinking about missing out and being a bummer for other people that I cant just enjoy a drink with them. But they come and go, and I think its important for me to realize that I don’t have to act on every thought I have or think about it to much, sometimes our thoughts lead us astray!
G just left to do a bit of work and he had to come back in because I had parked behind him. Up to about 12 days ago, I never wanted G to go into my car on certain days because I would often hide my drinking from him, and hide my bottles in my car. Then when he went to move my vehicle, I would act so strange and not want him too, so he knew what was up. I also hid bottles in my closet, those were my go to places. It is so shameful!!! I don’t ever want to feel like that again. Feeling like I have to lie and be shady because I was so afraid and embarrassed at not being able to have control.
Last summer I felt honest and free and never had to worry about my hidden bottles. I am glad to be back to that! I can feel my self esteem is ready to come out of hiding.