I need to find new rewards for myself instead of rewarding myself with booze. It just becomes so normal to do. I think so many people do it. Had a long day at work, reward yourself with a glass of wine. Finish the work week, time to go out and party with your friends. Hell I can find any reason or reward to drink. Be it a celebration, a milestone, sadness, funeral. The list goes on and on.
I am not an everyday drinker. I am more a drink on a Friday or Saturday (always too much), wake up the next day having anxiety and trying to talk myself out of starting to drink again just to calm that constant chatter in my head. Beating myself up about what I said, what I did, how I looked to other people and why I just cant be normal! That is every drinkers biggest wish. That they could just drink like other people. I think its what causes us to keep trying to moderate and keeps us drinking for much longer than we should have. Once you give up that pipe dream and just be accepting of it, I think is where you start to turn around and make progress.
Today is a big day for me, which got me thinking about rewards. Rewards are good, they motivate us, but I tend to choose rewards that in the short term seem pleasurable, but in the long term are not healthy rewards. Today is the day that my fiance and I have our legal marriage ceremony. We are getting married in the Mayan Riviera on March 2 of this year, but we have opted out of getting our blood work and papers done there and we are just doing a small legal ceremony here first, and our symbolic ceremony will be in Mexico with all our friends and family.
I am nervous and excited about today. We arent making a big deal out of it, and just my mom and my Grandma are going to be in attendance. My grandma is not able to make my wedding in Mexico as she has heart problems so it means a lot to both her and me that she is able to be there for this special part of it.
But all of the excitement and being in front of people is making me anxious. The kind of anxious that I would probably have a couple drinks before the marriage commissioner and everyone else showed up. To give me that extra boost of courage and confidence. I think it makes me less socially anxious and awkward, but it actually makes me act funny and not all there. I probably would have bought a bottle of champagne to pop right after and we would have gone out for wine and dinner after. It has me reminiscing on all the romantic things about alcohol. The good part of it. Sigh. Why did I have to take it this far asks my brain.
I just have to remind myself, that my mind makes everything up to seem way worse than it is. This is my family, I should not have social anxiety. Its OK to feel nervous your getting married today! This is a day of love and commitment for a lifetime, one that should be done sober, a commitment that I feel God would want me to make sober. And after this day is done, I can wake up tomorrow, proud of myself for following through, and not waking up with a pounding headache, dry mouth, and feeling sick.
Instead of alcohol today, I have decided to order Chinese takeout for lunch. Although Chinese isn’t exactly the most healthy it makes me feel like I indulged a little bit and its a hell of a lot better than a bottle or more of wine! We really do forget that lifes greatest pleasures can be small ones. A good book, a good movie, cozy snuggles, take out. Those rewards make my heart happy.
I even took it out of the container 🙂
I cant believe that at 5:30 today, I will officially be Mrs. Seymour.
Mrs. Seymour doesn’t drink and never has 🙂