I am back. I cant believe it, but I am back. I seem to have amnesia with remembering all the horrible things I have done while drunk. The Dyck wedding was not my last hurrah with the bottle, far from. I think I have had some sort of break through, or epiphany. I prayed and prayed for one. One good thing, is that I may have failed a million times, but I will always get up a million and one times.
I am a pickle. I have gone from a cucumber into a pickle and there is no going back. I have always known that alcohol was hurting me and always wanted to stop, but I still had this thought that I would somehow be missing out and that there were still perceived benefits to drinking. I read the book This Naked Mind, and it is so mind blowing. I do not think I even want to touch another drop of alcohol.
I had all these conflicting thoughts of wanting to drink, not wanting to drink, that I had pretty much made up my mind that I would drink until my wedding was over. Well, that is not exactly working out very well. Because every time I drink I hate myself, I feel anxiety and depression and I tend to always drink far, far too much.
So I have to quit now. Is it bad timing? Yes. But, we do not always get to choose our story, and our realities. And this is mine. I am finally ready and willing to accept it. I have struggled with my drinking my entire adult life. Trying and failing. Cutting back, moderating, failing. I am just so tired of it. When will I get off this hamster wheel? Well, now is the time. The final time to kick this for good. When I went back after 6 months off the booze lst time did anything change.. or has it progressed even worse?
So I have chosen. I have come clean my closest friends, I asked for support, and they are all going to be there for me. Its funny, you hear of most people getting horrified reactions from their friends about quitting drinking because they dont want them too. My friends are relieved lol. I am so tired of being a selfish person addicted to alcohol. There is way more to life than getting fucked up, and this is my journey to find that out!!!
This is a new season in my life, and I WILL NOT go into it drinking alcohol. I am going to be a married women, and I want to proudly say, that season in my life is over, and I am coming into a new season, and in this new season I will have not touched a drop of alcohol. Stay tuned for sober bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and sober ALL INCLUSIVE weddings. In fact, I am EXCITED for this challenge!!