Well- as you can see Sober October didn’t go all as planned.  My sneaky AV will try to find any reason why I can and should drink.

We went out for my brothers birthday, and while nothing bad happened, I again, don’t remember the end of the night.  Luckily I reigned myself in, and didn’t continue drinking in to the next day, but I wanted too.    I loved who I was when I was sober last summer.  I keep caring to much about what other people think about me.  And about having to be sober at my wedding, and all these things that make me keep saying “I know you are going to live a sober life, lets just wait until the wedding is over”

Why do I even want to have the most important day of my life tainted by alcohol? I want to be there and to remember it, not to have been drinking all week before and feeling sick.  I keep thinking back to all those holidays that I drank at, and at each one I got soooo sick, blacked out, got hives and rashes on my skin, and then the next morning I would cyclical puke over and over again, not being able to hold down even water.

Why does that sound like missing out to me?  On this trip to Jamaica I am going to stay sober.  I want to.  I don’t even want to drink anymore.  Its my subconscious that keeps telling me that I’m missing out, or that drinking is fun, but my conscious knows better.  I am sick of the divide and this cognitive dissonance.

I am going to enjoy fresh squeezed juices, tons of yummy food.  I am going to sun bathe, and read, and swim.  I am going to go to bed every night thankful and wake up every morning early, to enjoy a nice cup of coffee and a work out before hitting the beach again for the day. I am not going to wake up sweating, dry mouth, embarrassed or wondering what I did and said the night before.

I haven’t told anyone I am done drinking etc., they have all seen it before, especially G.  This time I am going to just do it.  Even last night he mentioned we could get a bottle of wine, and then I just dismissed it, but my AV really wanted to. AV says see, youre not that bad, your fiancé still wants to have some drinks with you.

I am starting a new chapter on the website, where I am going to be documenting the first year of my sobriety, and how I get through each big event coming up this year.  I am excited, this time.

Make the decision, and never look back. Never question the decision.

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