Back to Day 1

Well, I have continued to binge drink.  The voice in my head is soooo hard to stop now.  The last time I had 6 months of sobriety, it was because I told myself I was NEVER drinking again under any circumstances.  This time it sucks because I keep telling myself are you sure?  Not even for your bachelorette party or Andreas, or your weddings.  I just don’t know if I am ready to not drink for those.

I have even said, I am going to continue to keep drinking until my wedding is over and then I will be done.  I will say no I am not, and then continue thinking about it over and over and realizing I have to drink on my wedding so I just throw the towel in there.

I know the damage I am causing my body and my brain… and I hate it.  I drank all weekend long, Thursday-Sunday, more than a bottle of wine each day, all while lying and hiding it from G, but I am pretty sure he knows… I mean how can you not.. I get pretty drunk each time.

I am doing sober October with G, I need to minimize the damage as much as possible.  So no drinking at all this October.  I need to stop thinking in terms of forever, because that just seems like too much.  I will get through October, and, I am going to come here everyday to keep myself accountable.  To document my journey.  I think I may allow myself to drink at Andreas bachelorette party, my bachelorette party, and both our weddings.  But then there will be all these other events like Christmas, and my bridal shower, and our civil ceremony.  Its so frustrating that everything revolves around alcohol for me.  I hate it.  I will always make exceptions… that’s just my AV talking very loudly.  I will get through October first, one day at a time.  That’s how I need to look at it, I can re evaluate my decision to drink at those dates when I have some sober time and when they get closer.

Day 1 of Sober October.

 

2 thoughts on “Back to Day 1

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