I did it! I finally got up the courage yesterday to call up a family friend who is a dedicated AA’er and told her that I need to get into a meeting and I am tired of feeling this way.
She was so lovely, she immediately told me not to worry help was on the way, and that she wishes she had the courage to do this when she was my age. I have had a lot of people tell me that recently (on an online forum I joined, and at the AA meeting last night). It makes me feel proud in a way. They said, if only I could go back to your age and do what you are doing, my life would be completely different. I even thought that myself, what if I kept drinking for the next 10-15 years, it terrifies me what I would be capable of doing in that time.
In bed, I have been thinking a lot about how I got to where I am. I think since the first time I had a drink I was drinking alcoholically. I never drank to socialize, I always drank to get WASTED. I have done many, many dangerous things wasted. I used to steal my dads 66 bottles, as he had a ton of them and me and my friends would drink them completely, and black out, almost every weekend.
We used to get those coolers, and do something called a hoot and chug where we would take a huge hoot of weed, and then we would hold in the smoke, chug as much of the cooler as we could and then blow out the smoke, to get us SUPER fucked up.
Every time I drank in high school I got absolutely wasted. Wouldn’t remember things, did stupid shit. But me and all my friends thought that was normal, we all did it. I didn’t think it was anything bad at that time and we were just doing what all high school kids do.
Once I got into my twenties I was still drinking like that. Whenever we went to the bar I would have to get pretty drunk before, and would always black out. I never was much of a bar person, but at every party I went to… I smoked weed and drank and always ended up making a fool of myself and passing out most times around 9… always before 11. I could never not chug my drinks fast. My 25th birthday I was in bed by 11.
One time a couple years ago at New Years, I got so drunk before we went that by 9 pm, I was sooo blacked and was so mad at my fiancé (then boyfriend) that I BIT him in front of about 8 people as hard as I possibly could. He had a scar for weeks. It was bleeding. I then passed out and peed on their couch. He had to ring in the New Year in the hot tub with everyone else while I was passed out. I have peed my pants about 6-7 times while drunk. In bed with my fiancé every time. At the lake this past summer I did it again to.. drank whiskey all day and blacked out and peed. I did it in Vegas too.. a weekend I don’t remember at all.. I had to be sent home in a cab at the wet republic pool party about 20 minutes after we got there. I also peed when fiancé brought me to waskesui with his friends. There have been other times too.
I remember in the first condo I had with my fiancé I would sneak booze and drink it and hide it around the house, he always found stuff. And I have continued to hide and drink more than anyone else. I hung out with a crowd that we would get so wasted, all wake up and laugh at the stuff that we did, and then take vodka shots at 9 am and get so wasted that day. Day drinking then became a thing that I did regularly. I got a DUI but it still did not slow down my drinking. In fact, I probably started drinking even more.
The last binge that I went on, I knew I was heading in serious trouble. I literally drank at work on Friday afternoon and was buzzed (I have quite a tolerance now) picked up another 6 pack of ciders to bring home to the man after work, and drank two of them pretending those were the only drinks that I had that day. Then the next day I had a headache and I knew I was starting to drink so badly that without a drink I would go into withdrawal. On Saturday we went to a wedding, and I had about 2 beers on the way, and then quickly chugged 2 when fiancé wasn’t looking. We also drank at the ceremony, after the ceremony before the dinner, and we all drank heavily at the wedding, where of course I blacked out.
I got mad at my fiancé, made a fool of myself, said and did a bunch of shit that is down right cringe worthy and woke the next morning with all those same feelings. Terrified, shame, remorse, guilt, wanting to die. I actually screamed that on the way home with my fiancé, get me some booze right now or I will kill myself!!! I told him I don’t want to live anymore and death would be better than anything in this life that I was doing.
As soon as we got home, I peaced out super fast, straight to the liquor store. I drank all day that day, went to the casino ( where the people came out to my car and told me I was not fit to drive) I am so ashamed that I think I am so invincible when I am drinking I will drink and drive all the time. I went and hung out with an old friend that I let go of years ago because he wasn’t good for me and his friend who I had a thing with once when G and I broke up, and that guy was texting me babe later… I was absolutely ashamed. My fiancé saw the text and said WTF!!! I am not myself when I am drinking, someone else is in my body.
I passed out at said friends house, then went home and passed out for hours. When I awoke, fiancé was very angry as he had seen the text (I didn’t do anything, just saw this guy for a moment, and he has a small obsession with me, so he texted me and said babe). I immediately freaked out at my fiancé because how dare he judge my character who does he think he is!? I left so fast, went straight to the liquor store, which was closed (it was 2 am)…. and drove to my parents house, where he called me a million times, and apologized to me begging me to come home…. and I screamed at him for everything wrong in my life.
The next morning, I knew it was labour day and that the LB didn’t open until 10am.. so I stayed at my parents until 10am, and was the first in the parking lot waiting for the store to open. I purchased the booze and drank it all and went home, got more mad at my fiancé, who took off and went to the gym and then I slept all day long. When I woke up that day I wanted to end my life. I hadn’t even showered, changed, brushed my teeth or anything in 4 days. It was literally wake up drink, pass out, wake up, drink. I am disgusted.
I was sweating profusely, which I know is a sign of alcohol dependence but I just felt lifeless, and my mouth was soooo dry and dehydrated I still cant fathom it. There were globs of dried up mucus and saliva on the top of my mouth. I cried all night long, and all day the next day and I could tell my fiancé was mad at me. That was the end of my drinking career. I told him I was serious about getting sober and I would do anything to make it up to him. He is the most forgiving man that I know. He still says it is going to be okay and that he will go through anything with me and that he will not abandon me. If I were him… I would be gone.
When I went to AA last night… I told my story… not all of it.. but a little of it.. and it felt so good. Everyone there knew exactly what I was talking about. I felt so at home. I met some lovely people and I have high hopes for the future. It is a future with no alcohol period. I have never been a normal drinker, I didn’t progress from a social drinker to an alcoholic, I have always been one.. its in my genes.
Fiancé was really proud of me last night and I know that we are going to be okay. But I do know I would die if I didn’t quit drinking. I feel so good today, I am going to another meeting on Sunday. My AA friend hooked me up with one of her friends, and she is the lady that met me and brought me in there… what a group of beautiful people, from all walks of life… I am so blessed……… Thank you GOD for protecting me through all the stuff that I did… I don’t know how I am still alive.
And the be honest… this is just a blimp in the things I have done.
So there we have it… I need to put this down to remember when wolfie is calling to me.. because I have new friends and a new support system to keep me sober. This time I am going to make it. I will continue to tell more of my story.