I am already craving to drink. Today has been a hard one at work, and we are having to let go of one of our long-term family friend employees. Just thinking about it makes me feel bad. I want to drink to make this easier. The wine wolf is already calling. I almost went to the store so I could pick one up and have it at work.
Classy hey. I know my liver isn’t loving me for all the binge drinking I have been doing lately. I can tell, it kind of hurts. That is not a good sign. It has only been 2 days and I already want booze. The voice in my head saying that I am quitting at the wrong time, and that I can quit after my wedding, after the bachelorette parties, after the all inclusive. Its right isn’t it? Why stop now. I have a wedding coming up this weekend. It sounds insane that someone would think about alcohol this much.
I want to dull the feeling of everything. I don’t want to go to the gym tonight, can I have a drink before I go? I don’t want to go home and clean, and I don’t want to go to this wedding sober this weekend. I am not sure if I will make it. Why don’t I start this drinking thing after my wedding, when I have no more big things coming up.
But wont there always be another wedding, another events another funeral another anything that I HAVE to drink for. Why cant I just be normal, can I have one more chance?
NO. Because you damn well know you don’t want to drink a glass or two, you want to chug the bottle, you want to get lost into another world.
I have a hard time being around people who make me nervous, Its like I need to be inebriated. Fuck my life. I don’t have anything left. I quit the weed, now I have the booze. But when I was smoking heavily, I was drinking just as heavily as I am now.
I promise I will not drink today. I am not worrying about those other days. Alcohol is sneaky and seductive and it kills and destroys. I still know when someone drinks to this extent it is because there is a demon in there. PLEASE GET OUT.
I am going to go to yoga tonight and mediate and have a bath and cry if I have to, but I am not drinking. Not today.