Already Craving

I am already craving to drink.  Today has been a hard one at work, and we are having to let go of one of our long-term family friend employees.  Just thinking about it makes me feel bad.  I want to drink to make this easier.  The wine wolf is already calling.  I almost went to the store so I could pick one up and have it at work.

Classy hey. I know my liver isn’t loving me for all the binge drinking I have been doing lately.  I can tell, it kind of hurts.  That is not a good sign.  It has only been 2 days and I already want booze.  The voice in my head saying that I am quitting at the wrong time, and that I can quit after my wedding, after the bachelorette parties, after the all inclusive.  Its right isn’t it?  Why stop now.  I have a wedding coming up this weekend.  It sounds insane that someone would think about alcohol this much.

I want to dull the feeling of everything.  I don’t want to go to the gym tonight, can I have a drink before I go?  I don’t want to go home and clean, and I don’t want to go to this wedding sober this weekend.  I am not sure if I will make it.  Why don’t I start this drinking thing after my wedding, when I have no more big things coming up.

But wont there always be another wedding, another events another funeral another anything that I HAVE to drink for.  Why cant I just be normal, can I have one more chance?

NO.  Because you damn well know you don’t want to drink a glass or two, you want to chug the bottle, you want to get lost into another world.

I have a hard time being around people who make me nervous, Its like I need to be inebriated.  Fuck my life.  I don’t have anything left.  I quit the weed, now I have the booze.  But when I was smoking heavily, I was drinking just as heavily as I am now.

I promise I will not drink today.  I am not worrying about those other days.  Alcohol is sneaky and seductive and it kills and destroys.  I still know when someone drinks to this extent it is because there is a demon in there.  PLEASE GET OUT.

I am going to go to yoga tonight and mediate and have a bath and cry if I have to, but I am not drinking.  Not today.

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