I went to the lake this past weekend with G and the dogs. Of course I had all these grand plans to not drink heavily. FAIL. I know that I have been in very bad denial about the extent of my drinking.
I drank Friday night, Saturday pretty much all day, and all day Sunday. Yesterday I was once again feeling so low and suicidal in the morning. Its like once I start drinking I am off running. I have recently been turning into my dad, where I go around to everyone and say shit I would never say sober. Family problems, issues I have, and just sharing too much information. It makes me so regretful the next day because I know that those things are just sitting there and I never have expressed them before, but I am expressing them to the wrong person.
I feel so much shame. I think why I have been in such denial is that I have gotten better at hiding my drinking. I no longer just black out and pass out, I have quite a tolerance, and I can pretty much drink all day now and still be normally functioning. I mean, I am more talkative and all that stuff, but I don’t show the signs as much as I used to. And I don’t think that’s a good thing. I am feeling a bit better today, but I know that I need to give this sobriety thing another shot. I have so much coming up, like my friend bachelorette party, her wedding in Jamaica, my wedding, all these things I would have loved to been able to drink at normally, but I don’t think I can drink normally. No, I know I cant drink normally. And so what’s the alternative? Drink and ruin my own wedding week… like maybe not drinking would be better than drinking. I have all the fears. I don’t want to quit drinking, but I have proven time and time again that I cannot control my drinking.
I want to do everything in my power to never put my family through what me and my brothers went through. I am starting to remind myself just like my dad, telling everyone our business, getting raging angry at the end of the night, I hate it so much. And yet, I still want to drink at certain things.
I have a wedding coming up this weekend for Gs’ friend. I am not going to drink. Yesterday and today my liver was actually hurting, or the organs surrounding it. That really freaks me out, I think that I have inflamed it. I was so happy those 6 months, I was doing so much personal development, and I was gaining my confidence and self love back. I need to get back to that place. I was taking such good care of myself. I was pretty much organic everything, and doing yoga all the time, and meditating. I need to remember that it is sobriety or disconnect for me. And I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.
On a positive note, I am just over 3 weeks off the weed! That is for sure the longest I have ever gone, and for that I am proud. I didn’t even cave when I was drinking heavily this weekend, and I didn’t smoke yesterday even though I was in a pretty dark depression. I do notice the depression isn’t as bad as when I was smoking though, so there’s that.
I took an at home THC test this morning, and it was positive. I think I have about at least another month before that is out of my body, and I cant wait to see who I am at that point. When I quit drinking before, I was still smoking ALOT. I just want to be 100% sober, body, mind and soul. Please God help me.