Day 9- and setbacks

I had a pretty shit weekend, well that’s not entirely true.  I had a lot of fun, had some friends over in the backyard, and then went to a retirement party where we all drank, too much.

We had tequila shots and my Fiancé who is not a big drinker got really drunk and puked all over my car and our house.  The next day after drinking, of course I had anxiety.  So instead of having my crutch of weed, I drank again, big mistake.  I woke up on Monday morning with the worst panic attack I have ever had.  I should have just gone to the gym that day with all my energy instead of keep drinking.

I drank and drove, I was acting not like myself I am so ashamed.  I feel like every time I try and do right, I end up doing wrong.  And I really want to do right.  I actually took myself to the emergency and spent the day there, that’s how bad it was.

Although I am not beating myself up too badly about it because I could have easily went and got weed to get through that day, but I didn’t.  I felt all the feelings of shame and guilt and I think that is a good thing.   I got a good nights sleep last night, and I am feeling 100% better.  I know that I just shouldn’t over drink in the first place, and I wont have the anxiety.  It is baby’s birthday this weekend, and I am going to drink very slow and have 3 drinks max.  That’s the problem- over drink on one day, crazy anxiety the next.  Although I do think my general anxiety when I am not drinking is getting better.

Today I have no anxiety- and I actually do think that cannitrol works really well.  I am not feeling to guilty as that’s what the devil would want me to stay down.  I am 100000% sure I wont give in to smoking, I know if I just went through that and didn’t smoke then I can get through anything without smoking.

I don’t actually really even think about weed that much right now, its weird. Before I would be eagerly counting the days.  We will see how I feel at the two week mark, and after this weekend.

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