Yesterday was not a great day. I had some pretty intense anxiety. My heart kind of felt like it was palpitating. I also have had severe allergies this year and my nose was completely plugged on both sides which made it really hard to do my breathing exercises to calm me down.
I still have lack of motivation and focus. I just cant seem to want to do anything. I know I have to be easy on myself this week and not force it, I am doing something, I am trying my best to get through this.
My Fiancé is a go getter. He always wants more, more, more. To do more, be more, etc., and isn’t ever satisfied. I love that quality about him, but he holds a certain standard that I cannot upkeep right now. He can get pretty nit picky about small things that just don’t fucking matter. At least not to me.
I freaked out on him pretty bad last night. I was yelling and swearing at him and crying and I threw a brick of cheese against the wall. This week he has been making small remarks about we need to keep this cleaner or we need to do this better and it was just about all I could take. I blew up and said I cant fucking do it right now!!! I know I am not doing everything perfect, I know I am letting things slide!!!
He is such a good person, and I know he doesn’t do this intentionally. He apologized and said he forgets what I am going through sometimes and wishes I could just let his remarks slide off my back, which I usually do, but not yesterday. I also feel bad because this isn’t the first rodeo he has had to go through this and I know that he’s had to cope with me lashing out, and being moody over and over and over again. Why is he to believe that this time is any different?
We hugged and made up and I actually felt a lot better after I had a good cry. My emotions are all over the place, I was crying at songs yesterday in my car, and just about everything. I think it is a good thing though, because I am feeling them. Got to feel it to heal it.
I surprisingly went to sleep really easily last night, and almost slept the whole night through. I didn’t sweat quite so much, so I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling quite cheerful and happy today. Every bad day, a good day follows. Got to remember that on the bad days. Tonight we have agreed to relax together in the backyard and have a little date night. I am so proud, I never smoked, never drank my feelings away and I am becoming more confident again.
I had a friend reach out that has reached out many times to get back in contact with me, that is not good for me. He is addicted to everything. gambling, drugs, alcohol, drama. And it seems ironic but this time I have ignored him every single time, and I am not doing impulsive things, I think I am beginning to like and respect myself more.
Its funny how when I am starting to do good again, he comes out of the woods, I almost think its like a trap from the devil, oh your doing good, lets fuck this up.
Its the weekend, I am hoping everything goes good. I know I am not going to smoke, and I am going to have to find some things to occupy my time this weekend. Gym being one of them and a friend is coming over on Saturday for a visit.
Tpday is a good day! I am happy I am proud, I am getting through this.