Day 4

Well.  I’m here.  I’m doing it.

I don’t actually have too much to wright about surprisingly.  I went to my weekly yoga class on Tuesday, was having some anxiety before.

I wrapped up all my weed utensils, bongs etc., and brought them with me to yoga.

Before I went in I was fantasising about taking a hit, and I even smelt my bong.  I was feeling nostalgic and didn’t want to get rid of it.  Its been my friend, my crutch through any good day, or bad day.

I went into yoga, and had an amazing class.  I left feeling much less anxiety and firm in my decision.  I went and threw my bongs and smashed them into the garbage one by one.  It was a very liberating feeling, I felt like I was smashing a part of me that I no longer needed to exist.

It was bittersweet though, goodbye stoner girl.

After that, I fell asleep so quick, I was so tired.  Its been really weird this quit.  I am SO TIRED.  Every other time I have quit I have had soooo much energy that I was talking peoples faces off, and acting like I was on speed.

Not this time.  My eyes are so tired, I fee so lethargic still.  I cant even wake up in the mornings I am still into a deep sleep.  The dreams have started, and I know I’m not getting the most restful sleep because of the dreams, and because my body is working hard to detox.  I have started the dreaded night sweats again.  They are the worst part.

I wake up drenched in sweat, but then when I take the covers off, I am freezing cold, and shivering. I cant get comfortable, and have had to change my clothes multiple times.

Last night I went to the ex with my best friend.  We had a really good time.  In the past, I would have made up an excuse, or gotten high first and had anxiety.  I had this urge to chug some alcohol before I went, just because I was feeling anxious, but I fought the craving and it passed.  I did have two beers at the Alessia Cara concert, but felt just tired from them, and had no urge to drink any more. WIN!

I went and had a great time.  And I was in the moment.  I have been having a lot of stuff surface.  Feelings about my parents, and why things cant be different.  Feeling sad about a lot of things.  Feeling sad about my dad living a life where everyone hates him, and my mom living a life where she isn’t being fulfilled like she should be.

I have felt like crying a couple times over the days.  Last night I was thinking about how many times I have missed because I was too drunk to fully be present.  I went to a once in a life time concert at Encantara in Phoenix to see Hart, and I was so wasted that I fell asleep outside the porta potty. I missed pretty much the whole show.   I have done this to many important times in my life.  I went to Vegas, and don’t remember the whole weekend pretty much. Yikes man.

I feel like shit about things like that.  I want to be here.  I want to remember.  I want to experience and not have regrets and shame and guilt at my actions.  I think these are all natural things being brought to the surface, I need to deal with these things.

I did have a craving again last night to smoke.  It wasn’t really an urge.  It was more like, okay I’m home, this would be the time I should smoke weed.  But I didn’t, and I fell asleep actually pretty good again last night.

I am not rested today at all and have a bit of anxiety.  That’s normal- Its not going to heal overnight.  I am going to keep busy.  I need to go to the gym today and let out some steam.

My cannitrol pills came, I think they do work.  I gave one to my Fiance, who also smokes, but nothing like I did.  He would have the tiniest hoot, and then could go days without if need be.  But towards the end, he was smoking daily as well.  I hate that I got him on weed.  I thought it was harmless.

He has been a bit irritable this week, but when he took the pills he mellowed out and he also said it made him feel happier.  I am only on day 2, but I think the effects will be much better the longer you take it.

Tomorrow is the weekend, where my real test of will is.  I WILL NOT OVERDRINK.

Happy Thursday!

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