The Merry Go Round

Its so weird because I have my drinking 90% of the time handled.  But what about the other 10% where I still drink to excess?

I don’t drink at work anymore, and very rarely the day after.  I seem to be able to stop myself most of the time, or drink slow.  But I still know drinking 8 beers (which is how high my tolerance is) is not healthy, blackout or not.

This weekend I went to the cabin, and it was the first really nice weekend of the summer, and everyone was drinking, and I of course got blacked out on Friday, and then had anxiety Saturday, so continued to drink.. and blacked out.  And peed the bed, and don’t remember anything.

How un-fucking cool.  I am getting so pissed off at society who is peddling this shit on us like its cool.  Like all the hot movie stars are doing it.  I am so angry.

I feel like I have God trying to help me, and the devil at the same time attacking me.  I cant seem to do anything right.  I have serious anger issues that I need to deal with.

I am getting married in March at an all inclusive destination wedding.  Good choice for someone who struggles with their booze.  I don’t want to quit completely again, and have to not have a drink at my bachelorette party, or my wedding, but what other choice do I have?  Its pretty much that or die.  My heart was actually in pain yesterday, like the muscle.  I know I have damaged my body way to much with alcohol… I don’t want to continue doing it,  but cant imagine not..  I also don’t want to have to go through the whole telling people I am not drinking again, what If I fail again?

I am so angry, and sad, and mad, and just want to write off this life and go start somewhere new.  I need a sober friend….

I’m so lost.

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